It’s been awhile since I’ve posted. I took a break for many reasons, one being I felt writing about my illness was causing me to be hyper focused on what I am diagnosed with. As much as it’s good to get it all out, talk about it, allow others to understand what you are going through, it was causing me distress that I could not sort out emotionally. I wanted to crawl in a box most days and shut the lid along with my cat Phil.
I never want to wallow in negativity. Life is messy, it’s never perfect and there are days where breathing takes effort. There are stresses, frustrations, tears, not showering, not changing clothes, falling asleep on the couch and popcorn for dinner. Between job loss, a meanager, being sick and the decisions about life made in between, it’s been a calm chaos that has turned into a mountain that I am just now climbing over, sweating, coffee in one hand, dignity in the other, unwashed hair, two dogs, a teenager…and lots of confusion.
Yes I smile, I have fun and do really stupid things. I am not one to sit for long, I don’t like being idle to any degree and I am horrible at small talk. This “illness’ has caused stopping points that I am not happy with. It’s caused me to slow down on some days and I am still trying to wrap my head around it. I don’t like it, quite frankly it pisses me off. On the days where I feel “normal” I want to go full speed into whatever it is my mind wants to do that day, I want to get it all done, because I know I will pay for it later and I’m not sure how long that “later” will last.
I was flossing my teeth lastnight, they started to bleed. Gross I know, but this is a reality. Bleeding teeth to you….a possible bleed out to me. Seems super unrealistic, but it’s a warning I was given that I took with a gran of salt and said “ooo-k”…..along with numerous others…so I pause and look at my teeth, I watch and wonder….nah. I continue to floss. It’s funny how my perspective on so many things I never thought twice about before has changed, these little things that most pay zero attention to, because in most cases, there is no need to. This massive bruise on my leg that is taking forever to heal, not caused by any trauma, but by walking because my veins can’t handle the pressure anymore. I am covered in bruises, every day, I am Thankful for clothes. There are moments and days where I wonder….will I be here for this next year. Everything has changed, me and my thought process. Every day matters, every moment counts, everything means more now than it ever has.
It’s hard to even comprehend what has happened over the last year. Like, super hard. The hospital stays, the surgeries, the misunderstandings, the anger, confusion, the pain…all of it. This whole situation has caused days upon days of reflections on myself, situations, others, pondering and flashbacks, some pleasant, some not so pleasant. This in turn has led to some heartache, the need for acceptance and no longer trusting in situations and others. I needed to just let things go and be ok with it, to stop trying to understand it all and let it be.
Some aspects of my life have fallen silent, while others are screaming for attention that I am desperately trying to tend to. At the end of the day I have had to realize, I am one person, one person that has been stretched very thin and only I know what it’s like, the past, present and the in between. It’s a miracle I am still alive, but I will continue to fight, to do what is best for me and my family and not worry about the rest. What matters will come, what needs to be will be. Who wants to be there will be, if not…it’s ok!
I was given the advice to have “Hope” that my brain grows new veins and I survive this. There is no cure, no easy way out. I already have metal in my head that served no purpose and all I have to show for it is a card to present at the airport and medical personnel. Medically speaking, I am not suppose to be alive right now, so I can either view that as the Grim Reaper disguised as my surgeon and let it crush me or let it be the gateway for a new life. There has always been a fire in my soul for a thousand different hopes, dreams and passions….I am choosing this to be my fuel!
Here’s to “HOPE” and bomb fires!